What really happened
by Wildfire2
Summary: This story is in Raphs POV, it's about how him getting along with what really happened a year ago, when he had been kiddnaped by the foot second movie
1. Chapter 1

**What really happened**

**By Wildfire**

I've never told anyone what really happened that night, how could I? I mean I'm the stubborn hot headed brother. How would they react if they knew? It's been almost a year but I still wake up biting my lip so hard it bleeds. The nightmares are the easy part though. Training's the worst… it's fine until I get pinned. Than I just lose it and usually end up punching someone.

I know what my brothers think, they think I'm just growing more distant. Which I suppose I am. I think Leo was starting to put something together but that stopped a month ago. He had gone to get Splinter for breakfast but he wouldn't wake up.

Splinter died. We buried him out in a field where the sun will always hit him.

Since than our team has been more than a little shaky. Everyone feels like their dieing. For me it's the nightmares their coming so much more now. Everyone's fighting, specially Leo and me. Usually I just stay in my room.

Today I had ventured out though, that was such a mistake. I trained with my brothers, I figured I was safe, I mean I was paired with Micky. However things went nasty here. He managed to pin me, my thoughts immediately went back to that night.. I did the first thing I could. I punched him, hard. He fell back looking at me in confusion, and hurt.

Before I could apologize danm fucking Leo grabbed me and thrust me against a wall. He was yelling but I had no idea what he was saying. In fact I didn't even really know it was him, I was stuck in my own fucking memories and I was scared shitless. It felt like it was happening all over again. I remember yelling 'no', and running. Now I'm in my room, with the door locked.

I know there's going to be questions when I leave, I almost wish I didn't have to leave. I keep hopping that maybe Leo had said something and my no made a little bit of since. But probably not.

I turn over as I hear a knock on the door, I just look at it, I wasn't going to let them in.

"Raph? You ok? Open the door Raph"

It was Donny, figures, Micky's probably sore at me still and Leo probably thinks I'm mad at him. Donny's the safe one.

I turn away from the door again, covering myself with a blanket. I wait tell the knocking stops before I shut my eyes, hopping against hope that I can just sleep and not dream. But hopes are rarely reality.

_I was tied to a poll, Shredder stood over me smiling. That smile, even though his mask was on I could see it radating off of him. I screamed at myself that it's just a dream to wake up. But it didn't happen. It never did.  
_

_"They're going to come here tonight, and I'm going to kill them in front of you. But first my sons want to have fun" He patted my cheek like one would to a child that had no idea what was about to happen. And I didn't.  
_

_I watched as I saw Toka and Razor for the first time. My body twisted in the bond mumbling angrily at Shredder._

_"You see tonight they're going to help kill your brothers… but right now they need a warm up." He left I had been so relived that he had left but now as I look back on it I would have preferred him. The two beasts approached me, their drool dripping from their snouts there hands grabbed me and yanked me down, I expected a beating I could have handled a beating… but I never expected them to do what they did. I can always feel them now, I feel them inside me, I feel their hands on me… _

I woke to the sharp pain in my lip, my body shook, my pillow was wet from the tears. I sit up taking a shaky breath. Even now I don't understand how or why it happened. I knew Shredder did it to break me, but he failed! I fought any way I pushed it away and I fought him! He didn't use it against me in fights or tell my brothers. I'm glade he had enough honor to respect that. When my brothers had finally come that night I remember all the pity leaving me, I knew I had to warn them. When they were in the net heading to be sliced I had felt slightly relived, not they were going to be killed but that they weren't going to have to go through what I did. I should have known Splinter would save them, he always did. He had always been there to protect them. When Toka and Razor came out again, I stiffened and backed up. Lucky my brothers had too and thought I did just because it was two new mutants. I stared at them and forced myself to become angry. If I held back my brothers would have known something was up. They couldn't know. So I charged forward, tried to kick them down, it didn't work. After that night I don't think I've ever been the same I wear an invisible mask, to cover up what I really feel. I try to continue to be the hot headed brother they know. That they expect.

I can't stand any kind of contact now. I wasn't a really touchy person before so my brothers didn't find it to odd when I yanked away when they touched me. I think I've hurt Micky's feelings a few times, but he always bounces back. He never questions why I shrug him off. None of them do, after all I'm just a hot head, who cares why I don't want them touching me? Just as long as I'm not yelling.

I take a moment to compose myself before heading out. It must have been late, all the lights were off. The lair was quiet. I head to the fridge and smile seeing the pizza. I pull it out and set it on the counter than grab a plate.

I jumped when a hand was suddenly put on my shoulder and I quickly turn around.

Leo

I sigh feeling foolish and turn back to making my pizza, slightly angery at myself for over reacting. "What do you want Leo?" I know what he wants, but he's not going to get it. I'm not telling him shit.

"What happened earlier today?" His voice was soft, he was concerned.

"Nothing, just didn't want to be lectured by you any more" I jammed the pizza into the microwave and set it for one minute. I had grasp the counter slightly to keep from shaking.

"I'd take that except that was fear in your eyes. I've never known you to be afraid of anything Raph, specially me"

Scared of him? Oh please! "I'm not, you just caught me off guard"

"So you were scared of me?"

Shit, why couldn't he just leave me alone! "Leave me alone Leo, it's not about you!". Over conceited bastard.

"No.. I know, that's what worry's me. Because if it's not about me, but you were scared when I was yelling at you. It means it's an old fear, one I never noticed. That obviously needs to be noticed. I hadn't realized before but I do now, you don't let us touch you at all anymore. Not even a high five. When your angry it's usually after one of us did touch you. Your using the anger to cover the fear, aren't you?"

"Don't analyze me Leo!" My heart was thumbing loudly in my chest, this couldn't be happening, he couldn't figure it out from over a year later! I stayed turned away from him, watching the microwave. My knuckles turning white as the clenched the counter harder.

"At first I thought maybe it was from losing Splinter, but it's not, is it? It's a much deeper wound that has never been able to heal or even scar. Raph… please"

I still ignored him, finally the microwave beeped and I opened it and took out the food. I wasn't hungry any more though. I was suddenly yanked around and I found myself facing him, his face, it looked so like mine and yet it was so different. I could feel my walls starting to fall, I could feel me falling. I felt as a tear slide down my cheek as the pizza slipped from my hand. I heard as the plate broke when it hit the ground.

I wasn't sure it I fell into him or if he pulled me into the hug but as soon as I was there I wasn't moving, my walls were broken and I cried. I cried on him for what felt like forever but still not long enough. I know he still doesn't know why I'm crying he's probably more than a little confused on it. I haven't cried in front of any of them since I was about five. After all I'm far to tough to cry.

I heard a door slide open, my body stiffened. I jerked away and moved further into the kitchen I opened the fridge again. I was pretending to look for something but in realty I was hiding my face. I felt like if they could see it than they'd know.. They'd all know. My walls were quickly rebuilding themselves. The pad of feet stopped, they were all there. I knew they were, all of them, watching me. Waiting.

"Raph… Please, talk to us"

It was Leo again, proud proud Leo.

"What do you want me to say Leo?" I asked more because I wanted to know what he knew. My head stayed down though looking through the fridge. Well really I was staring at the milk, but I wasn't ready to look at them yet.

"What ever it is you've been keeping locked up inside you, what ever it is that is slowly destroying you. Just talk"

Destroying me? Was it doing that? Could it really be hurting me that much? It did hurt.. It hurt a lot. I stood up slowly my eyes immediately going to my youngest brother.. Micky. I felt like I had failed him, I didn't know why though. I looked away my eyes moving to Donny, he looked so sad. Did they already know? Finally they settled on Leo. "And what do you think it is that's destroying me?"

"I think something happened, that we were never aware of. I just don't know what or when"

"Don't know much do you?" I snaped, they didn't know anything! They didn't understand why I hurt, they didn't... no they couldn't understand!

"No, I don't. But I'd like to"

His voice was so soft, it almost didn't sound like him.

I opened my mouth to try and say something but the words just wouldn't come out. Finally I closed my mouth and just shook my head. I couldn't say the words I knew they wanted me to say.

I needed to sit down I took a few steps back trying to find something to lean against. I couldn't find anything, shit.. I needed to sit. I felt a hand on my shoulder I looked up to see Leo. He looked so sad.. I didn't want to make him sad. It took me a minute to realize he was leading me to the couch. I sat down he sat beside me, Micky sat on the other side of me. Donny sat on the table in front of me. I was surrounded, they wanted to know. They deserved to know.

I opened my mouth, I shut it again. How could I ever do this. My throat felt like it was closed up. "R-remember when we fought Shredder that second time?" They all nodded, god they were close. "Remember how I had been.. caught?" I waited for them all to nod again. I looked down I couldn't look at them. "Shredder.. tried to... No Shredder did..." danmit how do you say this?! "I wasn't tied to the pole the whole time." My heart was thumping so hard I honestly thought it'd burst through my ribs.

"Did they torture you?"

I smiled slightly, sweet Mike. "No, well yeah." I kept my eyes on the ground "I had met Toka and Razor before you, Shredder wanted to break me. He wanted.." I swallowed hard my eyes were stinging already. "He.. did" I nodded "He broke me" I could feel them tense up, I wondered what they were thinking. "Toka and Razor-" my voice cracked. "They took me off the pole." I shook my head and bit my bottom lip as I tried to figure out how to say this. How could you ever say this? I closed my eyes and I dove in I don't know how I told them, how I got into details how I said it all. I know toward the end they couldn't understand me any more I was crying to hard. When I finally got done all was silent, it took me a while but finally I looked up and looked at them.

They were just staring at me, I felt so unnerved. What were they thinking? "I…. I'm sorry. I didn't mean…"

"NO" All three of my brothers yelled at the same time at me.

"Raph it's not that! We just… it's just I never thought…" Mikey smiles "You're my big brother… I never thought it was possible.."

"NOT that it's your fault. You couldn't have prevented it! I just wish you would have told us earlier" Donny was putting a hand on my knee. I didn't like it, but I stayed still.

"We can work through this, we can help you, just give us a chance" It was Leo talking, for once I was glade he spoke so surely. Maybe I could be fixed.

They were all still staring at me, I nod and stand up "I'm… I'm going to bed…" I stumbled into my room laying in my hammock. I was so scared of what I had just done but I did feel relived slightly. They knew, they knew. I didn't have to hide it any more.

I, Raphael, Son of Splinter, expert in marital arts, ninja, had been raped.


	2. Leonardo

What Really Happened

Leonardo

By Wildfire

I sat with his legs crossed a frown was smacked over my face. I'd been trying to meditate but all I could think about was my brother. At first I had wondered what it must have felt like but now I find my thoughts stuck on how I had never noticed. It had happened over a year ago! For a year my brother had been dealing with constant torment. Daily nightmares. Afraid of even _my_ touch. And I had never even noticed. I had failed him, as his leader but more importantly I had failed him as his brother. What's worse is I had no idea how to fix this and it seemed I was making it worse! When I see him I don't know what to say, I can't seem to even form words.

The other day was horrible Mike and I were playing one of his retarded games we were slapping hands and clapping saying some retarded rhyme. I don't know how he talked me into doing it but I guess I wanted a moment of playfulness in such a serious mood. Raph had come out, Mike had thought it was Don and spun around to slap hands with him. He just froze when he saw it was Raph. What was worse was Raph just stared at him, he looked to me to figure out what was going on and I was just as petrified as Mike. Raph stood there with his lips pursed with Mike standing a foot away arm raised, frozen with me in the back ground mouth gapping. I have no idea how long I sat there and they stood until Raph finally let out a scream. Yelling that this was the very reason he had never told us. He locked himself into his room and I haven't seen him since.

I find myself trying to meditate again, trying to think of what Master Splinter would have done. I find I'm getting slightly mad at Raph for not saying this when he was still alive! I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to act around him. I mean he's been through so much as it is what if I say or do something wrong?

I also find myself staying up at night sitting in the kitchen where I can hear his room. At first I did it so I could come help him if he was having a nightmare but… it's been almost two weeks since he told us and I hear him have a nightmare every night.

I CAN'T GO IN THERE!

I stood up and exit my room, if I had hair I'm sure I'd be pulling it out. This wasn't suppose to happen to us. We're mutant turtles! Who would rape us!? Why would they… how could they be so dishonorable? Shredder should have more honor than that! I wish he was alive so I could kill him! I want to kill him SLOWLY.

I force myself to take a deep breath. I've never had this much anger in me. I just can't understand it! To my brother! WHY HIM!? He never asked for it! He was so strong, so proud and they just stomped it down. Like he didn't even matter! Well he mattered! He mattered a lot.

God how had he gone through this torment for a year, alone? Just knowing about it was killing me.

"Hey."

I turn to smile at my brother, Donny, since he had found out he had practically locked himself in his room looking up rape victims. "Hey." I repeated back to him.

"How are you holding up?"

Leave it to Donny to worry about me when it's Raph that needs the worry. "I don't know how to handle this. I don't know how to act around him any more. What if we get in an argument? What if I say something wrong and hurt him all over again?"

Donny shrugged "I doubt anything you say could hurt him as much as he's already been hurt."

Wow that was just not at all comforting.

"What I mean is, I think the best thing for him is to have things be normal and when he needs us, than we'll be here."

"Is that what your research says?"

"No, research said therapy and support. But first off we can't do therapy and if we tried to force our support on Raph he'd completely pull away. He didn't tell us for over a year.. Obviously he didn't want things to change. I think we should honor that."

I found myself nodding as I sit down. There was that word again. Honor. He deserved so much more honor than what had been placed on him. So couldn't I at least honor his request for normalcy. But how in the world can I be normal to him? I can't even stand to look at him, every time I do I feel like my gut has just disappeared.

How could I be so selfish? My brother needed me and I was avoiding him. How low could I be? I didn't deserve to be his leader let alone his brother.

"Don't make this about yourself Leo. This is about Raphael. Not you." Donny patted my shoulder as he walked away.

Danm it he was right. He was always right, how he knew what I had been thinking I don't know. My eyes move to Raph's door. He was hiding in there still. I should talk to him. But me going to talk to him wouldn't be normal so maybe I shouldn't. OK now I was just making excuses up. I could recognize that, I can see that in myself.

I closed my eyes, recognizing it didn't change anything. I still needed to talk to him. I feel myself letting out another sigh. This really shouldn't be THAT hard. I've talked to him before. We've talked about serious things before…

Danm this was a whole nother level though! We're giant turtles! I had excepted the fact that we'd all die virgins! And now I had to talk to my brother about not only having sex but being forced to have sex. I didn't know anything about it! How could I talk and make him feel better when I didn't know anything about it?

It didn't matter this was my responsibility I had to do this.

God please don't let me screw this up. Please please don't let me mess this up. I knocked on his door, softly. If he was sleeping-

"What?"

So much for the sleeping hope. "It's me, can I come in?"

There was no response for a while I was about to have the hope that he'd ignore me when he responded

"Yeah"

I swallowed hard and slide open the door. "Hey" I said he was sitting at his desk back turned to me. My eyes move down his shell looking at where they had-

"What do you want?"

Deep breath, I can do this. "Can we talk?"

I see him smile slightly, as he swivels his chair to look at me. "'Bout what?"

As if he didn't know! The arrogant… NO I'm here to help not fight. "About how I've been treating you. How we all have."

"Ahh you mean the avoiding and the constant pity looks?"

"Yeah that, look Raph it's not that-"

"It's not that you don't want to be around me, you just don't know what to say to me. It's alright I get it."

My eyes widen as he spoke the words I was about to say. But coming from his mouth it sounded… bad. I sigh, this was defiantly not how I wanted him feeling. "No.. yes. But no! Look Raph I never thought-"

"That I'd let this happen. You know what me neither"

"STOP INTERUPTING ME YOU ASS AND LISTEN!"

He threw some bike peace against his wall "NO YOU LISTEN TO ME YOU AROGENT ASS! I DO NOT NEED YOUR FUCKING PITTY!"

"WHO SAID I WAS GIVING IT TO YOU!? WHO SAID YOU DESERVED MY… PITY! YOUR NOT EXCALLY MAKING THIS EASY ON US YOU KNOW!"

"OHH YES THAT'S EXCALLY WHY I TOLD YOU ABOUT THIS SO THAT IT COULD BE EASY ON YOU!"

"STOP YELLING!"

"YOU FIRST FEARLESS!"

"YOU DIDN'T DESERVE THIS!" We both stopped at that and blinked. Even I wasn't sure why I yelled it. It didn't fit into the conversation at all but… it was what I had wanted to say. "You didn't deserve this…" I repeated. "You didn't." I swallowed the hard lump in my throat again. "What- What they did, it was disrespectful and completely lacked honor." I sat down on his hammock with a sigh. "I'm avoiding you not because I pity you but because every time I see you I get so angry! I can't stand it. I can't stand that they did this… when you didn't deserve it. And I HATE that you went through it all alone. You spent a year alone, and scared."

"I wasn't scared!" He snapped "I fought! I fought them! I fought Shredder! I stood strong! I didn't NEED to tell you!"

I suddenly found my arms wrapped tightly around him. "I know, I know. But help us here, help us so you can stop fighting them." He was stiff in my arms but he was gripping my arms tight enough that I knew he didn't want me to pull away. "He tried to break you because he knew you were to strong for him. He thought he could break you. But he was wrong all he did was make you stronger. Your stronger now than any of us could ever be. You've seen the worst kind of evil and you stood up to it and told it no. I couldn't have done it Raph. I would have just lost it. I would have never been able to face them again, let alone fight them!" He was crying on me now, I kept talking. "It's ok to hurt, it's ok to grieve for what you lost. You've lost something that can never be given back, if you didn't grieve for it, I'd be very worried."

"I want it back" It was muffled into my throat but I could understand him. "I want it back! I use to day dream about having sex but now… I just want it back"

He continued to cry on me as I held him. It was so weird, almost surreal the toughest, strongest guy I know… was crying on me. And danm it he had a right too!

I sat back down on the hammock pulling him down with me. I wasn't sure if I should try and sooth him or if I should just let him be. I settled for stroking his head, much like Splinter had done.

I'm really not sure how long we sat there, and it really didn't matter I would have sat there for years if that's what he had needed.

As he calmed down and the room grew quiet we still sat there. After a while it came to my realization that he had fallen asleep. It was alright with me, I kinda liked it truth be told. I loved when my brothers were close to me like this and it was very rare that it was Raph. I hated that it was under these circumstances but either way I liked having Raph there with me.

I found myself sighing yet again. I desperately wished I could seek the guidance of my mentor. I wondered if he had known? It would have been odd for him not to have known. He knew everything, every time we had done something wrong. Every time we had disobeyed. We never got away with anything. How could Splinter have let them get away with what had happened to Raph? Why hadn't he done something! He could have fixed this! He certainly could have done a better job than I was doing now! Why would he leave this on me?

Donny's words echoed in my head again, it's not about me. Why did I keep bringing it back to me. Nothing about what happened thus far had anything to do with me… or Donny or Mike. It was all about Raph.

Raphael…

Was that my problem? All our problems usually dealt with at least two of us but this was just Raphael. And we were no where involved in it. It wasn't a worry if it would happened to Donny or Mike as the ones responsible were either dead or were regular animals now. There was no fear for my other brothers in this aspect. It was just Raph.

I felt the desire to sigh again but hold it back, this much sighing could not be good for me but in the end I ended up sighing yet again. I bet Donny could give me some long reason as to why I kept sighing but honestly I just really didn't care that much anymore. In fact right now my main concern was the brother that was in my arms.

Raph seized up in my arms, I looked down as his body started shaking. My eyes widen was he convulsing? Was it a seizure? I heard a whimper leave his lips. No… he wasn't having a seizure he was having a nightmare. This is what he went through? This is what happened every night when I'd hear him bolt up with a cry? And I couldn't even come in?

I was a chicken. And selfish. I didn't want to see my brother in pain so I made up excuses so I didn't have too. I left him alone to face his pain because I wanted ignorance.

I pull Raph gently closer and started easy rocking motions. "Shhh, I won't let anyone hurt you like that again Raph. No one will ever let this happen again. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I wasn't there. And I'm sorry I never realized what you were going through. If I have too I'll kill the whole world to keep you safe. I promise this will never happen again." I find that I'm talking much like I would to a scared child, or Mikey.

Raph had stilled again though he was breathing hard. He was awake. "Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Why are you crying?"

I blink and sure enough I was, I didn't even realize I had been. "I dono.." I know it sounded silly but I honestly didn't know why I was crying.

He excepted it though and didn't ask anything else, we stayed in silence. Even though we butted heads constantly and I wanted to kill him at times he was still my arrogant ass whole little brother. And I'd do anything for any of my little brothers.

"Leo?"

"Yeah?"

"Would.. You mind if I slept in your room for a while?"

I had to remind myself I was talking to Raph. He sounded just like Mike there. But when Mike wanted to sleep with someone it was cause he had watched a horror movie and thought something was out to get him. This… was so much different.

"You can sleep in my room as long as you want. I'd be honored for you to sleep in my room"

"Leo?"

"Yes?"

"Drop the honor shit"

I couldn't help but chuckle "Never." I smile and laugh.

Raph laughed as well and slowly sat up moving out of my arms. I could tell by just looking at him he had been crying and biting his lip. I frown at the swollen lip. "You need to stop biting that lip."

"I don't do it on purpose, I do it in my dreams."

I nod again. That was going to stop. I may have been avoiding it before but now it was all stopping. I'd get the loud mouthed ass whole back if my life depended on it. I'd never admit it but I worried about Raph the most, sometimes I wondered if I was closest to him. I mean as far as interaction went I defiantly interacted with Raph the most. Course most of it was yelling but… that was just our relationship and in some odd way I appreciated it that way. I liked our arguments it was our very odd way of showing we cared. And even if we had a screaming match right now I know that tonight there'd be no question in either of our minds where he'd be sleeping still. We had each other's backs and we always would. Just for the simple fact that we were brothers and no one could ever break that.


End file.
